pour some sugar on me
by chokecherries
Summary: So, a unicorn hunt, a blushing virgin—aka, an irate Lucy—and possibly the greatest scheme of the century. Also, were the blond virgins mentioned? That's right, there's more than one. And then there's Natsu. "Was he a virgin? Is he, y'know, virginal?"—team natsu, plus one or two


**notes: **this is quite possibly, the most ridiculous thing i've ever written but i read the most wonderful and hilarious tvd au fic last night, and so. also, _unicorn hunting because really. _they would so do something like this, i'm almost sure of it. **  
disclaimer: **disclaimed, aka _as if. _

(_x_)

(_mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love,  
sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up_)

**i.**

(_x_)

"You cannot be serious," Lucy deadpans, "No really, please tell me that you're joking. Or that I'm hallucinating and this is all in my delusional mind."

Natsu shakes his head solemnly and continues peppering her with glitter and sparkles. "No can do, Lucy. It's the real deal."

Happy snickers from his position on the table behind her as Erza rearranges the fluttery tulle skirt of her long white dress. The blonde is dressed like something out of a heavenly vision—hair down and curled prettily, gown white as snow and trailing the floor, feet bare—courtesy of the resident Fairy Queen. Because, hello, Erza is the meanest guru on fashion, okay. Trust her on this one.

Gray and Juvia are busy positioning her blonde curls _just so, _while Gajeel and Levy are standing a couple feet away, making sure everything is hunky dory. Or actually, that Lucy looks perfect, because this has somehow become a show for everyone outside of Team Natsu, and they think they need to give their input.

This is, by far, the most ridiculous thing they've ever done. _Ever. _

"But," Lucy speaks up as Gray asks her to turn to the left a little, "why _me_? Isn't there someone better suited for this job? Like, oh I don't know, _Wendy perhaps_."

Aforementioned sky dragon slayer peers at her from behind Romeo. "Sorry, Lucy."

Natsu finally stops showering her in craft supplies and takes a step back to survey his work. He holds his thumb up, turns it sideways, and sticks his tongue out in concentration. Seemingly satisfied now that she undoubtedly looks like a kindergartner's art project, he puts his hands on her shoulders.

"Okay Lucy, this is vital to the mission. Remember to look innocent, like really innocent. And sad, maybe weep a little just for good measure. Blushing is always a great add in, too. You can't blow your cover, we can't afford to fail this time."

She ignores the little voice in the back of her head screeching something like, _when have we actually ever failed, you complete doofus? _and settles instead for a petulant and imploring look. She glowers at him as he grins at her.

It doesn't hurt to try again. Fairy Tail's motto is practically _persistence pays off, _and _never give up_, after all. "I still nominate someone else. _Anyone. _Like…like—like Juvia! O—or Levy!"

"Yeah," Happy pipes up, mischievous grin lighting his features, "maybe Lucy's not the best choice for this job after all."

Erza shakes her head and checks Lucy over one more time. "My apologies, Lucy, but it's not to be. The information we uncovered specifically stated that this one likes pretty blondes."

Happy starts to cackle manically. "Then that means Lucy's definitely not the girl for this job!"

Lucy narrows her eyes at him before picking up the nearest canister of glitter and tosses it at him. Bullseye—it hits him square between his eyes and explodes, covering everyone in the near vicinity in light pink and silver sparkles. She smirks as the cloud of glitterdust slowly dissolves all over the exceed and a few of her other guildmates.

Gray rubs his chin in thought as he stares at the blonde. "You know though, Lucy might have a point," the celestial spirit mage's hopes start to rise, "It would be better if we had somebody else there with her. Just in case one isn't enough."

Erza nods as Juvia marvels at her beloved's sudden bout of inspiration and wisdom. "Excellent idea, Gray. But who are we going to choose?"

Lucy's spirit takes a sudden plummet, and she attempts to slam her head into the nearest table but is prevented by Juvia, who scolds her and tells her not to mess up her hair. Natsu crosses his arms and taps his foot on the floor repeatedly as he surveys the guild hall for another potential candidate. While the others are distracted, Lucy decides it's time to pull out all stops—she's desperate here, okay—and makes a break for the doors. Erza catches her before she even makes it five feet, leaving the blonde dejected and sulking.

Suddenly, everyone else in the group is drawn to a loner sitting a few tables away. They exchange glances, and Gray shrugs. Natsu considers this new option. "Is he a virgin? Y'know, like, virginal?"

"Well, he certainly fits all the qualifications," Erza comments.

Four-fifths of Team Natsu share a grin, but Lucy is too busy mulling over her misfortune to notice.

Happy claps his paws, face alight with excitement. "Oh boy! Unicorn hunting is my favorite!"

(_x_)

Lucy lets out a huff and uncrosses her arms, wondering how exactly one is supposed to appear 'innocent.' Her words are anything but. "I hate this," she grinds out, "so much. Almost as much as I loathe Natsu for tricking me into this. He corrupts people, I swear he does."

She brushes some stray grass from off her airy dress, and just kind of stands as nicely as someone can, considering she's out in the middle of the forest. It's awkward. Her fellow unicorn bait grunts and attempts to burn a hole through the white vest and pants suit he's wearing.

"And he's really, _really good _at misleading people. Manipulation is not a trait I would have ever pegged him to have, and yet here we are. Now I know better. I'm never making _that _mistake again," she mutters, thinking back on his promise.

"_You can have half the reward after we finish this job, Lucy. That's a hundred thousand jewels. _One. Hundred. Thousand. _You wouldn't have to worry about rent for like, three months. And all you have to do is stand there and look pretty!" _

Curse her petty inability to turn down east money like that, she knew it'd come back to bite her in the ass some day. And apparently, that day was actually today.

She lets out a wail, unintentionally adding to her virgin appeal. At least according to her scheming dragon slayer partner. "And he must have some kind of weird obsession with dressing me up, because _look at this. Look at me_," she gestures to her pretty, pretty white dress and sparkling skin. "This isn't normal! Have I told you about that time in Edolas, _because I swear_."

"I'm actually really good at revenge," Laxus says, and she blinks. "If you want to get back at them."

A slow, devious smile spreads across her face as Laxus spits out a chunk of glitter and saliva. Lucy flips some of her perfectly curled blonde locks over her shoulder and fistbumps him. "Oh, I'm in."

_tbc?_

**end notes: **this was so much fun. next installment or no?


End file.
